This is it ...

So I guess this is it ... almost packed. Now it's time to go to bed and when the sun rises ... I'll have to prepare and make my way to the hospital. Will be in there for approximately a week ... am pretty sure there's not gonna be any wireless facility in my ward, so no blogging till after I return.

Wish me luck and try not to miss me k. :P You peeps take care now. Sayonara.

'The DAY'

As The Day draws nearer, the anxiety increases. People tell me to try not to think about it ... that everything will be ok. I know it'll be ok. Like I've said before, with so so many of you behind me, I simply can't afford to lose this battle. I'm not gonna dissapoint. But at times when there's nothing to do, in the midst of a shower, while I'm reading, heck, even while I'm blogging ... the mind wanders. All the 'what if's kinda envelopes the mind. Hmmm ...

Anyways, just an update. I'll be checking into University Hospital's Private Wing this coming Monday (28th). I was even told by the doctor what to eat for breakfast on that day ... 2 slices of toast and a glass of Milo. :) After that, I shall have to fast till the surgery. I'm scheduled to be cut-up sometime after 5pm and if everything goes well *fingers crossed*, the op shouldn't take longer than 3 hours. Furtherwhich, I'll be wheeled into what they call the HDU. Dunno what it stands for but it's some sort of an ICU for neuro patients. There, I'll be monitored by a neurosurgically trained nurse till the next day and if I'm ok, I'll be transported to my own ward to rest and recuperate. The doc said I should be in the hospital for about a week before I can check out and go home.

According to friends who've been through surgery, I'll be drifting in and out of conciousness for at least the first 2-3 days. I know you guys care a whole lot for me but then, no need so susah for you guys to come visit initially lo. Don't come also nevermind since I understand we all have to work or our own lives to lead, so it's your thought and prayers that matters most. And pls be warned ... the parking facility in Uni Hospital is HELL!!! No joke. I'll be at home for the next 6 weeks after the discharge, so you peeps can come visit then too. I guarantee parking near my house is much more convenient ... FOC too. Heh heh.

Can't wait to get this over and done with and get on with life as usual. :) I mean ... things could get a lot worse ... the photo above is one example no? :p

The one where I did the last class

Sunday the 20th, the clock struck 10am as I walked to the center of the stage and greeted the members with a very good morning and a smile. I looked around and saw mostly familiar faces ... all eagerly waiting for me to kick off the Combat class. I took a moment to make an announcement. To inform the members that this would be my last class for the next two months at least. That I'll be undergoing a major surgery soon. I detected shocked expressions around the studio and I knew I had to start the class before more people became affected by the news.

And the class was great. I had so much fun doing it. I pushed and I felt the members giving it their all as well. Sometimes you can just feel these things ... the intensity and the energy. Joey Hui team teached with me and took 3 tracks. It was all good. By the time it ended, I was on a natural high ... am sure the endorphins helped. Hehe. A couple of regulars gathered around and I told them in detail what's been going on and how the surgery is going to be. The well wishes, the support and the care shown is simply priceless. I believe people genuinely care. So it's up to me now to surpass this hurdle and come back stronger than ever. Soon I'll be bouncing on stage again and doing what I love. The class last Sunday in Jaya 33 was my last class ... for now ONLY. I'll be back. I promise.

A tribute ...

This is an ode to my comrades, to those who stand by me, to those who do not realize how much they mean to me, to those who see me as a friend. Couldn't have asked for a better bunch ... no matter what happens, at least I know this chapter of my life is filled with memories worth cherishing thanks to you fellas.

It's too long to list out every individual but I hope you know who you are ...

I realised ...

I realised that the upcoming surgery has put a lot of things in perspective for me

I realised that life has a whole lot more to offer that what I thought it did

I realised that life is too short and even too fragile, so pick your battles wisely and fight for what its worth

I realised that ordinary people can do extraordinary things ... my family are living proof

I realised that you don't have to have supernatural powers to be my hero

I realised that I might have to go bald for the surgery (NO PICS AND NO VIDEOS ... I'M SERIOUS!!!)

I realised that I will not be working out or exercising for a while, gosh ... I might go fat again. :O Don't laugh ... not funny!

I realised that people do care a lot for me ... what did I do to deserve this blessing ... I do not know

I realised just how special my family is to me

I realised I've got friends who care ... friends who I can depend on ... friends who are there for me ... always

I realised that some things in life just can't be taken for granted ... sometimes you don't get a 2nd chance

I realised that by early February, I could be richer by RM15 million. (I bought the lottery) :p

I realised that if I really do strike the lottery jackpot, I might have a lot more 'friends'

I realised that no matter what happened, YOU are special to me

I realised that there is more than one way to see things ... it simply depends on how you want to look at it.

I realised that missing someone could actually hurt

I realised that God have made plans for me, I just might not see it clearly yet

I realised that by realising all these, it's worth to smile once more ... :)

DOMO ARIGATO!!!

Just wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to all of you who've offered well wishes and those priceless words of encouragements. Really meant the world to me. I'm gonna pull this through because of you guys. Feeling really blessed to have known you peeps and it's situations like this that helps remind us on just how precious the people around us are. Life should never be taken for granted!!!

You guys are the best and I don't know what else to do or say but to say THANK YOU again. *sniff*

Brain and spine surgery.

Seems like a nightmare but at least in nightmares, you wake up and everything is ok again. Not this time though. :(

Went to see the neurosurgeon today and was told that my condition is actually worse that what I initially expected. I'm suffering from what the doctors call cerebellar tonsillar ectopia with descend. To you and me, this simply means that my brain is drooping slightly at the back portion ... 4 mm to be exact from where it's suppose to be. Apparently, this defect is from child birth and as a result of this, throughout the years, there's an extensive built up of spinal fluids inside my spine from the C2 to L8 levels (Almost the entire spine). This fluid is currently putting pressure on the nerves and hence this would explain the numbing sensation as well as the sharp pains I'm experiencing. If this spinal pressure continue to increase, it may very well destruct the structure of my spine and that is BAD. Furthermore, the fluid may spread and be retained in the brain which is also VERY BAD. Permanent and severe damages will occur by then.

So what must be done now? A 3 part surgery is recommended. It's to be carried out simultaneously and if everything goes well, it should last no longer than 5 hours *fingers crossed*. First, the surgeon would like to cut away a small part of my skull to install an artificial membrane to hold the brain in its correct position. Secondly, they want to install a tube inside my body permanently. This tube will extend under the skin from my spine to the chest area and its purpose is to drain out whatever spinal fluid that may be produced in the future. Finally, the third surgery is to remove the excessive spinal fluid found in my spine now. There's a danger in the third procedure because the fluids have been there over the years. Therefore, my spine grew taking into consideration the presence of the fluids. Removing it suddenly may cause the spine to collapse and again ... this is VERY BAD. The nerve system might be affected and I could feel anything from prickly sensation all over the body to excruciating pain. Hopefully, over time, the spine will strengthen and straighten and things will gradually get better. Or I might just have to get used to the discomfort.

Oh, the cost for the surgery ... no less than RM40k and it's not claimable with insurance simply because it's a birth defect.

It may not show in this entry but I'm feeling really down and scared at the moment. I've never been admitted into a hospital throughout my 26 years on God's green earth and now this ... something so major.

I guess I'll just have to stay strong and hope for the best. Pray for me if you have the time k.

Why ???

I guess life has its way of dealing its cards ...

Every individual has a story to tell ...

We all got our own demons to fight ...

And the sad thing is, for most of the time, we've got to battle it out on our own. Sure ... everyone would like to win, some will say they simply can't afford to lose. Just how far are you willing to go for what you believe in. How heavy are the consequences. If I were to take a step back and look at it from a different point of view ... would I ask myself 'Is this worth it???' If I keep marching on blindly, will I eventually forget my destination.

I DO NOT need you to tell me what to do ... so please don't.

I DO NOT need you to tell me where to go ... so please don't.

I DO NOT know what I want anymore ... so just let me be.

Is it true that we do not choose our destiny???

Is it true that our destiny chooses us???

So many questions ... and no answers in sight. I hate being lost but I'm running in confused circles. I miss simplicity.

Dwelling in the past, living in the moment and anticipating the future is just so tiring. The pressure to live up to expectations ... my own expectations ... are suffocating me. Doing the right thing may not always be easy. I just did and I feel shitty. :(

Are you going to tell me to take it one step at a time? Are you going to tell me to live for today? Are you going to pat my back and tell me to take things easy? Are you going to tell me to take a chill pill? If you are ... then FUCK YOU!!! And you know why ... because these issues will still be there when I wake up tomorrow. It would not miraculously dissappear.

Some of you may understand what I'm talking about here ... some may even be able to relate. Others will just end up reading and conclude that all these are nothing more than a load of crap. It's ok. I'm not expecting anything in return. I need to bitch it out! Am not sure where all these angst is coming from. Sometimes you just feel what you feel I guess.

If I were a book ... I wonder what my title would be. I wonder what my chapters would reveal. I wonder what my story would tell.

I wonder if I myself would ever know ...

The song above is one of my all time favourite. Dim the lights and close your eyes. Listen to the words ... it's so empowering. Love will keep us alive ... I truly wish that it's true. It's my only hope.

I miss you already ...

You know who you are ...

MRI

Hey I’m back. Been MIA for a while. Nothing much happened lately except that I finally got my MRI scan done. It was at the Tuanku Jaafar Hospital in Seremban. Why all the way to Seremban you ask? … well, it’s because both my cousin and her husband are doctors there and hence it’s easier for me to get ‘an appointment’. Hehe. Furthermore, treatment is free there as compared to private hospitals here which would cost me nothing less than RM900. So a 40 minute drive there is bloody worthwhile is you ask me.

When I got to the hospital, I changed into their patient’s robe. (I was given XXXL size) I was then strapped onto the machine’s horizontal board and slowly moved into the MRI machine. It was pretty snug because I was not meant to move during the scan. There’s also limited space within the inside of the machine, hence it wouldn’t be so comfortable especially those who are claustrophobic. A huge pair of ear phones was also placed on me because the scanning process can get a little bit too loud for some. I mainly heard a lot of knocking and buzzing sounds. Really annoying I tell ya. When the scan started, they played me Phantom of the Opera (BodyPump bebeh!!!). So it was all cool but halfway through, it switched to some Tamil songs. Suffer man!!! It drove me crazy.

And the fact that I must try not to swallow my saliva when the scan was taking place made me want to do it even more. Not sure if you know what I mean but the more they tell me not to do it, the more I was inclined to do just that. I guess I was born a rebel … ahaks. And then there was the itches … not entirely sure if it was purely psychological, but I began to feel itchy around the nose and feet area and because I couldn’t move, it was hell!!! In addition, they covered me in a blanket before the scan and by the time it was over, I was drenched in my own sweat. So if you ever have to go for a MRI, screw the blanket. It’s not cold inside the machine.

The scan took about 90 minutes and they also drew out some blood for some testing. Report should be out in a couple of days time and hopefully by then, the doctor could know what exactly is wrong with my arm and provide the relevant treatment (as oppose to guess work) to fix it once and for all. Wish me luck peeps. :)

Oh, since every other instructor I know has this video on their blog, I might as well jump into the bandwagon. It's really awesome by the way. :p

It finally happened to me. :(

Yes, it happened to me. I left my pants in the gym. :( I was showering and I hung my pants over the shower curtain. The I realised that there wasn't any soap left. Hence I went over to the next cubicle and when I was done, I forgot to take my pants. Damnit. So there you go ... but in my defense ... I was really famished at that time and all I could think of was what to eat for dinner. Sigh.

And bout the photos above ... it was just something I wanted to put up. Before and after ... hehe ... enjoy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS!!!

Yes yes ... I know I know ... I'm wayyy to late to wish you guys a happy new year but what the heck ... better late then never no? So here you go ... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :D Haha. I won't be making any resolutions this time around ... never managed to keep them and always ended up bringing forward to the next year. This time around, I'm just gonna take things one day at a time. Let it come what may or perhaps I should just adopt the 'I don't give a shite attitude'. It will be an easier way out for a lot of things. What say you?

Been absent from the blogging scene for quite a while now. Busy with work you ask? Well no ... just got bitten by the lazy bug.

Had a quick break in Penang and came home 1.5kgs heavier (no joke). Ate so much really ... mostly hawker food along McCallister Road and Gurney.

Organized a really last minute gathering at my place for New Year's Eve. A couple of friends showed up and as usual, we over budgeted on food. KFC, fried rice, curry puffs, satay, BBQ chicken wings, brownies etc.

On the first day of 2008, I spent it doing a class and then headed straight home. So there you go, enuf said. :p

I guess I'm currently experiencing a blogger's block. Dunno what to write. Nothing comes to mind. Bleh.

There are a couple of things I need to think about thoroughly and then decisions will have to be made. Irregardless of whatever I decide on, there will be some who disagree. I can't please everyone ... I just can't. Don't ask what these issues are ... it's personal. I just hope I'll be making the right choices. Wish me luck. I was told that there's a fortune teller in Sg. Wang who's pretty good and accurate ... maybe I'll go consult him and let him 'steer' me towards the path meant for me.

Back to a lighter note, the photos above were taken from a Thai restaurant I recently went to. The first pic is the Maeng Kum ... a traditional Thai appetizer and what's so special about the rice? Well, it's authentic Thai Jasmine fragrant rice and it cost @#$%^&$ RM4 per serving!!! Crazy huh. Hahaha.

Oh yeah, my youngest bro scored straight As for the recent PMR examinations and as a reward, he got a Panasonic Lumix camera. Yea bebeh ... you know what this means? It simply meant that I do not have to buy a new camera (my one kaput-ed liao) ... I'll just 'borrow' his instead. Muahahaha.

Alrightey folks ... gotta run. Have a good year ahead k.