Friday, September 20, 2013

A New Adventure ...

A new adventure beckons ... I refer to it as harvest time. A combination of excitement and anxiety chokes the air.

It can be overwhelming ... so many things happening at the same time. It's like standing in the center of falling confetti and you try to only pick focus on one coloured piece. So I'm just going to let it all rain over me with a smile.

The lyrics to Titanium is kinda apt right now. So here you go ...

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

Titanium (Madilyn Bailey's cover)

Monday, November 5, 2012

Turn left turn right

I think I've lost myself. Need to find myself ... trouble is ... where do I start looking? :(

Lost ...

It feels like a dead end
I've failed miserably as a man
The path in front seems dark and grey
Now I walk aimlessly like a lonely lost stray
The world sees me smile and laugh out loud
I veil my torments with an emotional shroud
I look into the mirror and see a ghost
Not true, its just me at my ugliest most
I hold you, I hug you, never let you go
You shove me, you stab me, hurting me so
Sitting on the broken pieces of my heart
I wonder if the faults were mine ... did I not do my part
I try to glue the ruined pieces together
I only hope you will not cause them again to shatter
Your life seems to have opened up
Everything from work, friends ... even love from a pup
I see you enjoy basking under bright shiny lights
While I stand behind the shadows, away from sight
You willingly share our worries and issues with others
Not caring that this is our private and personal matters
Should I do the same and wash the dirty linens
With family and friends, no difference men or women
You see glorious sunrise and hear happy chirpy birds
While I lay here covered in unwashable dirt
I imagine running away and leaving all behind
But I'm so lost ... the roads ahead bear no signs

-From Unknown Author-

Monday, April 9, 2012

Everything happens for a reason they say ...

Reflecting back at life for the past 1 year ... many things have changed ... some of em' unexpected. I'm thankful for the positive turn of events while I'm trying to cope with the not-so-good ones.

I've been told that everything happens for a reason ... It's hard to fully appreciate this statement when you're metaphorically trapped in the eye of a twister.

Here's hoping that time will reveal the truth behind all of the recent happenings and that I'll be showered with 'blessing'-in-disguises'.

As for the good things that I've been blessed with, I am trying to remind myself to be thankful and contended.

BUT ... I still want that F30 damnit!!! *droolzzz*

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A New Chapter ... How Will It Turn Out ...

I've been waiting for this moment ... diligently counting down the days, the hours, the minutes till I can finally head home for good. The past thirty three months I've been thrusted into a world I never knew before ... but all this will come to an end in a couple of days time. Soon I'll be back to a life I was once familiar with ... a life I once had.

The odd thing that hit me is this ... I expected myself to be feeling on top of the world ... I mean the prospect of going home, to be with family and friends, to seize back the life I used to relish ... all these should thrill me to no end ... but somehow that's not what I'm experiencing at this moment. In fact, deep down inside, I feel that there's a sense of dread that's trying to claw its way out of me. A definite fear that is trying to eat me whole.

I reckon all this may sound a little too melodramatic ... maybe it is ... but to a certain extent, it's true. A frequent quote I've heard and used many times ... 'Time will tell' ... I guess there's no denying that time will ultimately reveal everything. So it's just a matter of waiting it out and see what happens. Just that I'm not comfortable starring into the abyss and wait for the monster to come get me ... if there is one in the first place. Still ... the idea of not knowing terrifies me.

I ought to be thankful for what I have ... I mean considering all the shit that's happening around the world ... the tsunami the Japs were hit by, the constant war that has enveloped the Arab world, starvation in the African nations ... actually, I should be shot for even voicing out my oh-so-trivial discontentment with life. I guess this is just one of my off days and I would really appreciate an avenue where I can channel out my grouses. So just bear with me or you can simply click on the little red button with the 'x' at the top right hand corner of your screen. :p

I think I've blogged bout this some time previously ... the part where I wake up every morning, look into the mirror and I say to myself 'Hey buddy, sucks to be you huh'. Despite his bleh-ness, some good did come out from all these. Well, I'm now a proud co-owner of a rather nice pad, at least that's how I would rate my home. Also, working here have afforded me a couple of memorable holidays and not to mention some cool gadgets ... only God knows how I survived without the iPad previously. Let's see, what else ... oh, I've managed to catch up on a lot on my reading, one of the few activities that helped kept my head in check all these while. It's where I can 'escape' briefly from the bitter reality. Ok ... I know ... drama queen again.

Ok, now towards the downers. Well, my health ain't at its optimum so to speak. I may look ok on the outside but I'm pretty sure the insides isn't as pleasant looking healthwise. I've been consuming instant noodles AT LEAST ONCE EVERYDAY. That means my stomach is probably lined with enough wax to fill an entire Madame Tussauds galery. I know you'll say something along the lines of 'Why don't you just eat something else instead?!!!'. Well, given the situation that me and my colleagues are in, it's easier said than done ... trust me on this one. Also, never before have I been exposed to weather this harsh ... at the peak of summer, it goes well above 50 degs C. So I laugh when I hear the pussies back home whining over how scorching it is when the thermometer reads a paltry 38 degs C. Pffttt ...

Oh and then there's the sand. You know how you read about the white soft sands along the sapphire beach that holiday makers just love to squish between their toes ... well, newsflash, the ones we get here aren't the same. During a sandstorm, you'll get particles of sands making its way into every of your available orifice and there's really no way of preventing it. So the next time you see me, you might as well call me a walking hourglass.

The other stuff are almost neglectable ... the lack of social life, no proper transportation at my disposal, NO GYM (I've been gym-ing everyday before I came over here), the shortage of proper food amongst other things.

Well, my biggest grievance is time. Well, how I was robbed of it to be more precise. Of course, no one pointed a gun to my head and forced me to spend three years here but nevertheless, it's fact that I've lost three years of my life being away from the people that matters most to me. Take for instance, a colleague of mine whose mom passed away while he was working here. So the million dollar question is ... is all the money in the world worth what we're trading it for? And another aspect of my life has simply gone from bad to worse. Well, that's a story for another day.

We cannot turn back time, what's gone is gone. So I should try to make the most of what I have now. But is it too late? *cue drama music of your choice now* All jokes aside, this period of time have been a real trial for me. I guess I'm weak. A lot of others have endured worse and aren't bitching bout it. This makes me sound like a pussy. So I guess I'll just cut it short and end it here.

Let's hope things will turn out well for me eventually. Let's hope I'll see the rainbow after the storm.

Thanks for reading.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Wife's Birthday

Sandy opened the door and reached out for the morning paper. The headlines screamed 'President Ousted' in bold. She vaguely remembered watching a segment on the news late last night reporting the indictment of a certain political big wig for siphoning large amounts of the nation's money into his own private account. The world is in choas she thought, just like her own life.

She opened her letter box and its rusted screws screeched, shattering the serenity of her apartment corridor. She fished out the contents and rummaged through them. In her hands was a Chinese take-out menu which she crumpled and discarded immediately. There was also a letter from the bank. She would be most suprised if it wasn't another reminder to settle her credit card dues and lastly, there was a baby pink envelope addressed with her name on it.

Sandy went back into the apartment and closed the door behind her. Delicately, she peeled it open and pulled out a card. On the front was an illustration of a three-tiered cake staked with dozens on multi coloured candles. On top of it, the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY was punctuated in some typical cartoonish font. A tired smile escaped her lips. She flipped the card open and read its message ...

Dearest Sandy,

May you have the most wonderful birthday this year. We're awfully sorry we couldn't make it to see you, Jake's got his soccer tournament today. We hope you understand. Will definitely try to pop by sometime next week. Make it up to you then sis.


Gabby and Jake

P.S. Hope you liked the balloon Jake had drawn for you :)

Beneath the message was a squiggly heart shaped balloon crayoned in red by her six year old nephew.

Gabby was her twenty five year old sister and also a single mother. Jake's dad decided he couldn't stomach the responsibility and had left Gabby high and dry two months before Jake was due. So for the past six years, it was the two sisters who slogged and raised Jake into the beautiful boy that he is today. They showered him with as much love as any kid could possibly digest and as a result, Sandra found in Jake the son she never had.

Today, October the 13th was Sandy's twenty ninth birthday. She felt her entire life wasting away by the minute and had achieved nothing except harnessing copious amount of unhappiness and grief. To add to it, the absence of her sister and nephew on her birthday this year added a tonnne of lead to her already heavy heart. Sandy shut her eyes tightly and tried in vain to wish away the depression that was shrouding her. Her futile attempt was interrupted by a sound coming from her bedroom. Jacob, her husband must have awoken and the thought of seeing him added to the dread within.

Sandy put the kettle to boil and spooned some coffee powder into her mug. A cube of cane sugar was added and she admired the stark contrast of white against black. From the corner of her eye, she saw Jacob coming out of the bedroom fresh from a shower. As much as she hated to admit it, he smelled delicious from his Hugo cologne. He pocketed his keys and wallet and went for the door.

He stopped there, looked at her and said 'I'm going out for a bit.' She ignored him. Two seconds later, she heard the door slamming and the echo of his footsteps going fainter and fainter along the corridor. He didn't even have the decency to remember her birthday, she thought. Fucking bastard.

Their relationship as husband and wife had been strained for some time now. He was always being occupied with something and she felt painfully neglected. Sandy desperately craved for her husband's emotional support and physical touch but as far as she could recall, this was not to be. Every little thing seemed to set off arguments and hence, the scraps of moments they had together was peppered with cold shoulders and long periods of deafening silence. It was killing her inside to go through this state of agony and she often wondered where did that sweet loving man she married dissappeared to.

The kettle whistled loudly disrupting her train of miserable thoughts. She turned off the stove and emptied the fillings in her mug down the sink. She just wasn't in the mood for anything, not even her morning brew.

Sandy must have dozed off while watching the Sunday noon talk show programme for she was jolted awake by the piercing message alert from her mobile. Still drowzy, she read the sms

Can we do an early dinner tonight? I have a game with the guys later at the club

She typed in her reply


and hit the Send button.

By half past four in the afternoon, he was dressed and waiting in their living room. He was watching one of those slutty teenage singer shaking and grinding her thang shamelessly on the MTV channel. She came out of the bathroom with her hair still wet. She put on an old floral dress and thought to herself 'When did it became so bad ...'

Sandy opened the front door and walked out. She heard the TV being turned off and Jacob hurrying behind her.

He asked 'So, any preference? Where do you wanna eat?'

'Up to you,' she answered coldly.

In the car, he was whistling almost too cheerfully as they snaked along the heavy traffic. 'So how was your day? Did anything interesting?' he questioned, trying to dissolve the uncomfortable quietness.

'What do you care,' she said.

She heard him inhaled deeply and stayed silent. Deep inside, it satisfied her to piss him off. Nothing helps with bitterness like spreading it around.

He parked the Volvo in front of an all day buffet restaurant. They had frequented this place a couple of times before not because the food offered someting to shout about but because it does the job if you want to make your money's worth. For 25 bucks, you can choose from an array of seafood, cold cuts, salads, grilled meats and a pitiful selection of overly sweetened desserts.

At 4:50p.m., the place was empty. At one corner, three Indian waiters were busy wrapping metal cutleries in gardenia white serviettes. Jacob picked a table by the glass window overlooking the street outside. One of the three came over and emptied half a bottle of water into their glasses.

'Shall we?' he said.

She got up without a word and headed towards the spread. Nothing seemed appetizing and she finally settled for some greens and ceasar dressing.

Moments later, Jacob came back with his plate filled to the brim. A wide grin was plastered on his face and he was obviously very satisfied with his haul. He dug in and found it difficult to eat without spilling some of his food on the table. So he took the huge piece of grilled dory and placed it on the side plate. 'Too much there,' he said to no one in particular.

Sandy stared at him with anger brewing within her. She took her fork and stabbed his fish. 'This is ME!' she said too loud.

The three waiters were staring now. Jacob looked up from his plate, his mouth stopped chewing and his eyes expressed bewilderment.

'Huh?' he uttered.

'You heard me. THIS.IS.ME!' she said through gritted teeth. 'Everything on your plate now is your fucking life. You see the steak, that's your work. The rice, those are your colleagues. The prawns are your family and the chicken ... your idiot friends. You have too much on your plate and there's just not enough space in your life for me,' she exploded. 'Don't you see???!!! I'm just this fucking fish that you can easily do without. I don't fit anywhere in your life anymore'

'Aw come on, this isn't fair. It isn't like that,' he replied trying to soothe her.

A waiter came over and asked 'Is everything with the food alright?'

'Everything's fine. Thank you,' Jacob replied.

The waiter stole a quite glance at Sandy who had her face buried in her hands. Eventually, he turned and walked away.

Jacob reached out to hold her hand. She jerked back and said 'Let's just eat and go.'

They ate what's left on their plate in silence. Jacob signalled for the bill and they left the restaurant. Once outside, Sandy said 'You go on ahead. I need to be alone for a while.'

'Come on dear. Don't be like this. Let me take you home. It's cold out here,' Jacob pleaded.

Sandy started walking and Jacob tried to hold her arm. She turned around and pulled herself away with a little too much force. 'Don't touch me,' she hissed. 'Go, just go. Go to the club with your friends. Don't keep them waiting,' she said spitefully. With that, Sandy walked away rapidly leaving Jacob standing on the walkway alone. Across the street, an elderly couple stood watching and shaking their heads.

She didn't know where she was going and was walking aimlessly. She felt utterly lost. Tears were uncontrollably streaming down her face. Every now and then, gust of wind would sweep across and send chills down to her spine. She wrapped her thin jacket tighter around but it doesn't help with the frosty weather. Her nose was runny and she was beginning to shiver. The sun was fading on the horizon and by now, the soles of her feet were aching. Her mobile rang and she saw that Jacob was calling. She pressed a button and it sent a busy ring tone to the other end of the line.

Fifteen minutes later, Sandy was climbing up the stairs to her apartment. By now, her tears have stopped flowing but her eyes were still red. She felt exhausted and the idea of going back into an empty home dismayed her tremendously. She wanted to curl up in bed and call her sister. She desperately needed someone to talk to.

She turned the key and pushed opened the door. She heard what was like a child's giggle and a wave of panic blanketed her. She was certain the noise came from inside of her house. Someone was in there. She quickly fumbled for the light switch and flipped it on.

The brightness blinded her for a moment but her ears were pounded with shouts of SUPRISE!!!

When she regained her vision, she stood there dumbfounded. Staring back at her were all the people she loved and cared for. Her closest family and friends. Gabby was there with Jake in front of her, his hands clutching on a nicely wrapped box with a yellow ribbon going around it. He was smiling at her revealing a missing tooth in front. Sandy's mother was there too, sitting on the sofa with her eyes wide, as if willing her to have at least some reaction. At the back, members of her book club were standing, all sportingly wearing party hats and grinning. Finally, standing in the center was Jacob, holding up her beautiful birthday cake. It's tiramisu, her favourite. He remembered ... he didn't forget she thought. Then she was burdened down by so much guilt for the way she had treated him earlier. Tears started to form once more at the edge of her eyes. She couldn't hold it back and her vision began to blur.

Before she knew it, Jacob was hugging her tightly, squeezing a little breath out of her. It helped with stopping the tears.

'Jacob, I ...,' she started to say but he stopped her mid sentence.

'Today's your special day. I spent the whole day making this happen, so promise me you'll go and enjoy it,' he said with a smile. 'Besides, you've kept your guests waiting for quite a while.'

She could only nod in response.

Jacob let her go and her nephew was there next, throwing himself at her legs, clinging to them for dear life.

'Happy Birthday Aunty Sandy,' he said shyly. And then Gabby was there, embracing them in a group hug.

'I hate you,' Sandy told her sister. 'You don't know how much grief this caused me,' she said between sobs and laughter at the same time.

'Jacob made me promise not to tell,' she said with her hands up in a surrender pose.

Soon everyone was mingling in the party and was having a good time. They then sang Sandy her birthday song and she made a wish. A wish that if came true, would guarantee a happily ever after for her and her Jacob.

'The cake's delicious,' she said to her husband.

'Especially when all you had earlier was salad,' he teased cheekily.

As the night was getting late, the guests began to leave. There was school tomorrow and Jake had to be up early. So Gabby took both her son and her mother home. One of her book club member was actually drunk and had to be helped by two others as they staggered home.

Jacob and Sandy were left cleaning the place up. She was doing the washing by the sink when he came and hugged her from behind.

He whispered in her ear 'I know things haven't been so good lately. I'll make it better ok. Promise. I ...'

But she didn't give him a chance to continue. She turned around to face him, tiptoed and kissed him deeply. He was taken aback but only for a split of a second and then, he kissed her back locking their mouths together. Sandy felt overwhelmed with love and a thought came to mind, as long as our lips still fit perfectly ... our lives will too.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The 7 Days

Day 7

Lisa woke up and the first sensation that hit her was the excruciating throb inside her head. She tried to distract herself by recalling what happened. The curtains were flapping lazily and sunlight poured in, enveloping almost every inch of her tiny bedroom. She scanned the room for Tyler and he was no where to be seen. She strained her ears to listen for sounds, still hopeful that he could probably be lingering somewhere in her apartment. Several seconds passed by and the agonizing hangover got the better of her. She reached for her mobile and saw a piece of paper, neatly folded in two at her side table. She stared at it momentarily and slowly reached out for it. She felt her heart pounding as hard as the thumping inside her brain. Suffocating with a mix of anxiety and fear, she unfolded the paper and read its contents.

My dearest Lisa,

Please take your time in reading this letter for through writing, I’ve found the little courage I need to tell you my truest sentiments. There is really so much I want to talk to you about, so much I need to say to you. But when I’m with you physically, I’m at a lost. The things I’ve been meaning to tell you seemed to evaporate. It’s as if an unseen force is dying to prevent my heart from reaching out to yours. I won’t blame you if you despise this cowardice of mine. I have no excuse for it. I’m sorry ...

Before you came along, my routine life in this town was painfully dull. Day in and day out, I functioned like a zombie, alternating between work, meals and sleep. Everything I see appeared to be shades of white, grey and black. I hope you know what I mean. I couldn’t stand another day living like this. Bumping into you in that train was the best thing that ever happened to me. You brought the rainbow. No, you are the rainbow. And now, I wish time would freeze, so you could continue to colour my soul. How I wished we would have met sooner. How I wish you came into my life under different circumstances. Through the days of being with you, I hated so many things ... God, life, you name it ... for forcing us in this scenario. It feels that we’re being punished for nothing.

Now I’m pleading for you to forget about me. Take the past 7 days as a fleeting dream and nothing more. I know it’s hard. For me, I think it would be impossible to ever forget about you. But still, I’m selfishly asking you to try. To be leaving soon and never seeing you again is the hardest moments in my life. I swear this. The pain I’m feeling is simply indescribable. But I know it’s for the better. Like I said, I’m no good for you. I am not who you see me to be.

Live your life to the fullest. Reach for the stars. I have no doubt you’ll find happiness in someone. Someone who can truly give you everything you’ll ever want and ever need. Forget about me but I beg you, please don’t hate me …

With all my heart and more,


Lisa re-read the letter three times. The more she read, the more her mind was being sardined with clutters of questions. Has Tyler left town? Why is he no good for her? Does he have an incurable illness? Why didn’t she cherish their last moments together better? Why did she have to pass out? So many questions. So many regrets. So much pain. No answer. No relief.

Live your life to the fullest. Reach for the stars ...

Lisa knew what she had to do. She jumped out of bed and realised that the hangover had magically disappeared. Propelled with a rush of adrenaline, she afforded herself a quick wash up, brushed her hair, put on the first clean dress she found in the closet and dashed out of the apartment.

Following her heart, she broke into a run and headed towards their usual café. Laughing silly to herself, she felt liberated. For once, she is actually fighting for something she believed in. She was basking in a glorious mood and felt invincible, as if nothing could ever dampen her spirit and resolve.

When she neared the café, she expected to see him sitting on the bench beneath the jasmine tree. No one there. She then peered through the enormous glass door of the café, confident that she’ll find him sitting there, looking back at her, smiling. Instead, she was stared at by a dozen faces stamped with bewilderment, none of them familiar.

Panic began to creep into her system causing her to hyperventilate a little. She took deep breaths trying to calm herself and sat on the bench. Lisa fished out her mobile and dialled Tyler’s number. The dialling tone sounded muffled for all she could hear ... all she could sense ... was her heart hammering against her ribcage.

The call connected.

Her throat was parched. Her lips trembled without a sound. Then, she heard a voice from the other end of the line.

‘Hello,’ the voice said.

The voice wasn’t familiar. The voice wasn’t Tyler’s. The voice belonged to a woman.
‘Hello,’ the voice repeated itself.
‘Hi *pause* Hi. Can I speak to Tyler please?’ Lisa mumbled.
‘Oh, Tyler just got home. He’s in the shower,’ the voice replied.
‘I see. Ummm ...’ Lisa said as a thousand thoughts flooded her mind.
‘This is his wife. Can I take a message?’ the voice offered.
The word ‘wife’ revibrated again and again in Lisa’s ear. She felt utterly numb.

Lisa hung up.

She felt her world shattering. Anguish and disappointment exploded internally causing her body to convulse. Only the sudden gust of wind caught her by physical surprise and her quivering eased. A solitary jasmine flower twirled and landed gently on the ground in front of her. Lisa stared at it, trance-like. That image overwhelmed her. Seconds later, countless more jasmines surrounded her as they fell from above. Lisa buried her face in her hands and wept like never before beneath the tree of sorrow.