The phone went dead ... I threw it on the bed and saw it bounced twice before resting on the duvet. I stared at it ... kept staring at it hard ... willing for it to vibrate and ring. Seconds passed and my gaze remained just as intensed. Finally, I pulled my attention away from the phone and just 'blanked'. My eyes were open and yet see nothing. I can feel though ... shutting the eyes, I can sense the four bare walls around me closing in. The mind felt very confined and the air tasted choking thick ...
The blast of cold water jolted me ... I forgot to turn on the heater earlier. Damnit! I soaped myself and watched as the bubbles whirl its way into the rusting drainhole. I imagined then that inside every bubble ... would contain an emotion of mine. The stress, frustrations, anger, dissapointments ... all would be washed away into that little black hole and I never have to deal with it again ...
Standing beside the mango tree outside, a lost breeze blew by on this humid summer night. I sat down on the pavement, closed my eyes and tilted my head towards the silent heaven above ... savouring the short lived moment of comforting pleasure. The wind came and went away. I opened my eyes and saw the big yellow moon mocking me ... or at least it felt that way. Perched up there on a cloudless sky, it shone majestically while I cowered beneath the leaves of the tropical flora. I felt its arrogance and it pissed me off royally. Feeling lost and dejected, it is so easy to succumb to one's own weakness ... to let the anger eat you up from within and somehow everyone and everything around you are to be blamed. A stray kitten lay asleep nearby ... its mother a couple of feet away. I kicked an empty tin can towards the frightened strays and they ran helter skelter. I didn't feel good doing what I did. I inhaled deeply and some kind off ill feelings instantaneously boiled up inside ... I felt like screaming ... to purge out whatever it is that's enveloping me in misery but I did not. Instead, I just punched the tree and expected a few leaves to twirl its way to the ground ... just like in the movies. None did ...
The pain numbed the awful emotions for a while. Every 5 minutes, I walk to my washroom's basin and rinse my bruised hand under running cold water. That started almost an hour ago. It stings upon contact but after a while, it soothes. The wound around the knuckles burn ... and it's burning still as I'm typing this entry ...
For some phantom reason ... I feel nothing now ... no anger ... no frustration ... no stress ... and no dissapointment. Just a nagging stinging twinge on my fist. A small price to pay because physical pain I can handle ... it's the emotional turmoil that always get to me ...
At the corner of my room ... there lay a wooden study table and on that table, stood a photo frame. In that frame, there's a picture ... I'm staring at that picture and it made my heart 'smile'. I'm going to hit the sack very soon and I reckon I'm going to have a pleasant slumber tonight.
2 comments:
"Be still and know that I am God..."
His strength shall be made perfect in times of weakness - our weaknesses... lay them all at His feet and watch Him transform those into your victories...
Hang in there...
Hanging on till I go home ... and it's not too long away. :) *woot*
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